Hm..my first blog, so what shall I write? Nothing exciting happening to me now, it’s a boring wkd at home coz I got up late n missed service time, didn’t go to church as planned for the service and get back my music library. Haven’t visited Shalom for sometime, wonder how’s everyone? Maybe God doesn’t want me to leave Shalom, that’s why I got up late. Coz getting back my music collection will mark the end of my time there for me..

As I have thot, indeed, no one actually cares whether I leave Shalom or not, not even the pastor contacted me. In fact, only those who are leaving Shalom or has left, these people bothered to ask how I was. Quite sad that after all these years, this has to happen. Think I was away from Shalom for quite a few mths, visited COOS a few times, but I feel like an outsider there. I wonder why the church is so superficial now, I really can’t stand it..dat’s my main reason for running away, "outsider" I guess..

oh man.. Really really missed those old times in Shalom where we were so close like family and things were so happy in our cell group with Ben n Jes, Suan Hwa n Sandra, Benny to lead us..

I don’t wanna go back there n hear things like "How are u?, How have u been?" All are SUPERFICIAL words of concern, I mean..do these people really mean it when they ask? I think it is just words of formality, yeah..dat’s right, words of formality that doesn’t mean anything..just plain old superficial..

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with Shalom, from a church of 100 odd people in 1997, it has dwindled to around 30-40 people now..makes the church focus on it’s funds a lot, esp to support the 3 full time people there. Yes, these ppl have sacrificed their full time jobs for this, but do some of them have to publicize how much they have sacrificed? Esp pastor, always talking about how he nvr regretted leaving his 5-fig job for this low paying job without CPF sometimes because he heard his call to serve full-time. Has Shalom sinned in such a great way that it is just struggling to survive? I wish I knew, I wish I had the strength to hold on, to stay but I don’t.. even the young ones there cannot make me stay on, I missed them so much, wonder how they are, if I go back, will they remember me n run to me, calling out to me when they need as they did before?

My life is a mess without God as the centrality. Yes, I hold to my faith, but I don’t read the Bible, don’t go for fellowships (not that I dont’ wanna, just feel that ppl are too bz for time for me). My only holds are my continual thots to God, some Christian books, my Christian CDs and God’s promise to me that He will never leave me no matter how badly I did in my faith, God’s just so faithful, unlike us humans..